Crazy in Alabama

Hmmm…where exactly does one begin to discuss tonight’s show? How about with Paula? Paula has long been a favorite of mine to discuss on this show. Through the years, she’s done all kinds of nutty things. Tonight though, she really made the show for me. In fact, tonight’s episode could have been called “The Paula Abdul Hour”. Or, more accurately, “The Paula Abdul Half-Hour”. She was in rare form this evening.  Clearly, not drunk or anything…most likely onVicodin .  That’s my guess.  Anyway, clearly I was not alone on loving the Paula antics…the camera man was all about some Paula too.  God bless you cameraman!  My favorite Paula moment…when she had to get up out of her chair because the bad girl just wouldn’t stop singing.  At first, I wasn’t sure what happened to her…I thought that she went under the table for some reason.  Okay, I admit it…I thought she had finally gone over the edge and was doing naughty things to Simon under the table.  But, no, she was just…well, who knows what she was doing exactly? Vicodin will make you do some strange things sometimes, folks.

Admittedly, the second half wasn’t quite as enjoyable for me, mainly because of Paula’s absence.  Although I really did enjoy the whole scene with the Brandy girl who was convinced that she could sing and simply could not accept anything otherwise.  My favorite part was the back and forth between her and Simon…and the classic moment of Simon trying to go in the wrong door (why did he leave the room anyway?)

So, a brief summation of (some of) the contestants that we saw:

Jamie Lynn (or was it Lee?) Ward – Okay…so at first I was thinking “Aww..she’s taking care of her poor paralyzed daddy”.  My sympathy for daddy went out the window, however, when Jamie began to reveal FAR too many details of her personal life to the judges.  Daddy shot her step-mom and then himself??  I say toss the poor bastard in a home and let him rot.  But, since Jamie opened this can of worms, I know need more details.  Whathappend to step-mom?  And, why is he not in jail?  Anyway, despite Jamie’s white trash upbringing, she has a pretty decent voice.  Dumb as a stump, but pretty decent voice.

Victoria Watson – Ummm, yeah.  What does one say about Cousin It and her mom?  That’s just weird.  Why would you not EVER cut your hair?  Are you trying to prove some sort of point to someone?  Are you a member of some sort of weird hair cult?  Who knows?  At the end of the day, her voice is perfect for the Hair Cult Church Choir, but not gonna cut it on the Idol.

Margaret “Big Bird” Fowler – What on earth was the woman thinking?  Oh, wait, I know…I want to be on TV!  Admittedly, Big Bird did add some fun moments to the show…although I really could have done without her showing off her “tummy” so many times.  I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that she does big girl porn.  I just get that vibe from her.

Chris Sligh – First, Chris is from South Carolina, so I am automatically pre-disposed to rooting for him.  It’s just what I do (and often…South Carolina has definitely been overrepresented in the reality TV genre as a whole over the years).  In addition to being funny, the guy can actually sing.  His voice may not be perfect, but “Kiss from a Rose” is a very hard song to sing.  It’s one of those songs that could easily and quickly become a train wreck.  Chris, however, made sure that didn’t happen.  I hope it makes it to the top 25.  If nothing else, I’d like to see what they would do to him look-wise.

Well, that’s about it for this installment of Idol On My Mind.  Tune in Wednesday for another exciting edition!

New Yor, New Yor!

So, here’s the story…instead of being a good and faithful American Idol viewer/blogger last night, I did something else.  I went to see Volver, starring Penelope Cruz.  And I really liked it…despite the fact that Penelope Cruz generally drives me crazy.  However, I’ve come to realize that I find her not to be annoying at all when she’s speaking her native language.  Go figure.  Anyway, the movie got out late…but I did watch AI, my friends!  Unfortunately, it was 2am by the time that I finished it and my severely sleep deprived mind doesn’t seem to remember all that much of it.  I did manage to watch all 2 hours this time…something about the freaks in New York made it much more compelling than the past few shows.  Let’s see who I can dredge up from my oh so sleepy brain:

Carol – First, let me deal with this week’s guest judge.  I just have one thing to say to Carol…lay off the Botox, honey!

Ian – I like to call Ian the Queen of New York.  And, clearly, that’s exactly where he should stay.  No Hollywood for this freak.  The boy has no talent.  He seemed to be channelling Woody Allen when he was singing.  And nobody wants to see a gay Woody Allen singing.  When all is said and done though, I really don’t think Ian believes he’s talented.  He’s just a big ole attention whore.  He got exactly what he wanted.

Soap Opera Drama Queen – I don’t remember her name, but you know who I’m talking about.  I tell ya, there is a place for this girl on daytime television.  And, I think she knows it too.  I’m sure that her well planned plea to the judges will ultimately work in her favor.  The Young and the Restless will be calling any day now.

47 Year Old Frank Sinatra Zombie – This guy was just scary looking.  I mean, he did kinda resemble Frank…probably what Frank looks like today, that is.  The phrase “death warmed over” doesn’t even begin to adequately describe this guy.  And, the last time I checked, there was a K in New York!

Adopted Hottie Boy and Hottie Boy from Virginia – Well, folks, I thought that we were finally going to witness the moment when Paula actually pounced on an unsuspecting AI contestant.  Actually, not just one, but two (well, three if you count the guy from last year that they let back in).  I certainly hope that one of them makes it into the real part of the show…I do love to watch Paula shamelessly flirt with the male contestants each week.

Moaning Isadore – A large number of NY contestants were at these auditions to simply be on TV – not because they actually thought they were talented or anything.  I wish that I could say I believe that about Isadore as well.  Unfortunately, I think she thinks she actually has something.  Well, she does have something, but it’s not talent.  Perhaps more along the lines of a mental disorder.

I’m Unique! Girl – Speaking of mental disorders, this girl clearly did not take her medication on audition day.  I’m not even sure that she has any.  But she needs some.  I must say though, that I do appreciate her enthusiastic attempt to become the first American Idol who can’t sing at all.

Well, looks like I pulled a bit more out of my weary head than I thought I could (did I mention that I’m REALLY tired?)  If I have overlooked any of the really fun ones from last night, please feel free to mention them in the comments.

Anyone know how many more weeks we have before we get to the real nitty-gritty?

Yawn…

First, let me say that I have never been so thankful for George W. Bush. Yes, ladies and gents (still hoping for that one gent reader…) I actually said that. Why you ask? Because the Prez and his State of the Union has thankfully given us only one hour of American Idol to watch instead of the usual painful two hours.

So, let’s discuss the first contestant. Now, let me get this straight…Frank the Cheerleader is not good enough for Hollywood, but Shakira Girl from Minneapolis is? To my ears, Frank sounded pretty decent. To their ears, he was too over the top. And yet…Shakira Girl somehow made it to Hollywood? Ahh, American Idol…nice to see you are back in all of your non-sensical glory.

As for Timika “Mumbles” Sims, she reminds me of several of my library patrons…

Not really much to say about the others…the ones that we saw that went through…well, I liked ‘em all except that last guy with the kid. I hope he has some sort of back-up plan for his life. I’m sure he’d make a great car salesman.

Maybe New York will be better…although, let’s face it. It won’t. Out of 22 contestants that made it through in Memphis, we got to see…what? 3 of them? I miss the days when we would get an equal mix of the good and the bad on these shows before the “real” Idol begins. Now, it’s just a big train wreck. Oh well…

I really need some material to work with here…

I Really Wasn’t Cut Out For This…

So, American Idol is not exactly making me want to watch when they tell me that Seattle has given them the worst auditions ever. I mean, I know that a lot of viewers eat that shit up…but not I. To me, it’s just a waste of my time. I wanna see some talent here, American Idol. Why don’t you just go straight to North Carolina for auditions? Clearly, that worked for you in seasons past…can we say Kellie Pickler, Bucky What’s-His-Face, Chris Daughtry and, well, need I go on? (Oh, yeah…that Clay Aiken guy is from North Carolina too.)

One thing that I can say about tonight’s episode: American Idol has showed me the ugliest woman EVER. EVER. And she calls herself “the Hotness”? I’m not normally an advocate for plastic surgery, but she really needs some of EVERYTHING. Could she just get a full body exchange? Oh, and she can’t sing either.

Beyond that…well, ladies and gents (are there actually any gents that read this?) I got nothing. After the first hour of this stuff…well, I lost complete interest and decided to do something more worthwhile with my time. Okay, that’s a lie. I didn’t really do anything more worthwhile…just less painful. I watched 80’s videos.  (Which is not necessarily always less painful…anyone ever seen the video for Rick James’ “Give It To Me Baby”?  Rick James in a speedo?  I may never recover from that one.)

I am BEYOND ready for the top 25. Let’s get this show on the road already!

Welcome Back…

…well, kinda.  Yes, dear readers.  It’s that time of year again.  That time of year known as January.  What does January mean to me?  Well, for one thing, Jack Bauer will once again be saving the United States from terrorists in any number of improbable ways.  And, of course, the trio of Randy, Paula and Simon will be saving the United States from terrorists of a different kind…the singing variety.

So, American Idol started season six tonight.  Sadly, I really don’t have much to say.  I wish that I did…but I don’t.  Honestly, I hate this part of American Idol.  Really, really, really hate it.  Almost as much as I hate…oh, I don’t know…the musical stylings of Celine Dion.  What really and truly should be a one night show is stretched out over a matter of weeks.  One two-hour show of the good, the bad and the ugly would be more than sufficient for me.  This is why I didn’t start my blog last year until after all of this ridiculousness was over.  I will, however, try to make it through these auditions…for you dear readers.

A few notes on tonight’s show:

* First, is it possible for the American Idol people to be any more full of themselves?  The American Idol finale is “the stuff of legends”?  STUFF OF LEGENDS? Seriously?  Don’t get me wrong…I enjoyed last year’s finale and all…even though I could have cared less who actually won.  But it was hardly legendary.

* Jewel?  Was Jewel really needed to help make these decisions?  I mean, she seems to be the new Paula here…at least, the way that Paula used to be.  All nice and not the least bit helpful.

* Could they not have put a sign on the left door saying “Use Other Door”?  Or would that have taken the fun out of things?

* Who knew that being born a crack baby gave you the ability to sing?

* Lots of snapping does NOT make up for not knowing the words to a song.

* Do we really need heart-warming interviews with the people who really suck?  How about a few more interviews with the people who can actually sing?  (Okay, we DID get a location shoot on the U.S.S. Reagan and all, but still…)

* Paula, thank goodness, is still drunk.  Or something like that.  Anyway, good to see that some things never change.

* When did Simon become the nice guy?

Okay, I admit it…I only half-watched the last hour of the show.  Honestly, after the first hour, the rest really didn’t seem necessary.  I get it: people in Minneapolis can’t sing.  (Although I did pay attention to the “Kiss” montage near the end of the show with all the bad singers slaughtering Prince.  I admit…that was priceless.)

To Sum It Up: How do these people really think they can sing?  How??

Favorite Quote of the Night: “She didn’t have the look that I have.” – Matthew Volna, comparing himself to Carrie Underwood.  Ummm…yeah, Matthew.  She’s a girl and you’re a guy.  Unless you’re a drag queen, you really shouldn’t have a similar look.